so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
