I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
