Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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