Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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