someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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