Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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