I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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