Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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