Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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