The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
