I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hippo gnu deer
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
