i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
