Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
