3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
