i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
