I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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