Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
