We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
