a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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