Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
