@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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