Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
