I'm so fucking centered right now
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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