Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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