For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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