Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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