You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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