Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
