some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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