You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
