Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
