Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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