I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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