The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
