I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
