Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
