apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
