also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
