It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
