Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
