We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
