That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
