you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize