theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
