I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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