I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
