here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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