Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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