does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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