I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
