I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
