We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize