When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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