Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I will die if light touches me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
