I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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