were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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