I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
