dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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