why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize