I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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