dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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